Curse of the festive groaners strikes again

funny-christmas-drunkWhen two worlds collide, bad/cringey/entertaining things usually happen, as the exclamation mark-laden, uber-tech geek Christmas message from HP and its PR agency Acumen Republic shows.

Here’s the Yuletide message:

Ho Ho Ho, Merry Christmas!

We heard that you have been very good this year so we thought we’d give you a special treat! As it’s the festive season, HP has taken it upon itself to empower you with the importance of convergence.

The team at HP hope you enjoy this techy twist on a Christmas carol favourite!

“12 days of convergence sing-a-long”

On the 1st day of convergence, HP gave to thee:
The Converged Infrastructure Architecture

On the 2nd day of convergence, HP gave to thee:
End-to-end virtualisation of all resources

On the 3rd day of convergence, HP gave to thee:
Tight orchestration and automation

On the 4th day of convergence, HP gave to thee:
High optimisation

On the 5th day of convergence, HP gave to thee:
Modular design

On the 6th day of convergence, HP gave to thee:

On the 7th day of convergence, HP gave to thee:
Unified tools for infrastructure lifecycle management

On the 8th day of convergence, HP gave to thee:
Virtualised collections of shared server, storage and networking capacity

On the 9th day of convergence, HP gave to thee:
An intelligent, energy-aware environment across infrastructure and facilities

On the 10th day of convergence, HP gave to thee:
Fully virtualised network connections

On the 11th day of convergence, HP gave to thee:
The expertise to deliver Converged Infrastructure on-site, outsourced or via the cloud

On the 12th day of convergence, HP gave to thee:
Step-by-step services and support to achieve a fully Converged Infrastructure.

Surely there’s no better way to kill festive spirit than to sing about convergence and infrastructure lifecycle management (unless it’s a nerdcore hip hop version). Feel free to send in your Christmas messages to StopPress and we will either lambast and pillory them or compliment and praise them.

At pretty much the opposite end of the cringe-factor spectrum, Air New Zealand recently decided to take the self-deprecating everyman marketing approach to pump up numbers for its $1 grabaseat promotion.

$1 fares with 10,000 catches
Hi ****,
Classic. I’ve just come out of a meeting in which I was given a new set of KPIs. I had to ask what these were and was told they are Key Performance Indicators which I think I understand.

The big one is to increase the grabaseat database by 10,000 people. This would be fine if I hadn’t blown my marketing budget already.

Luckily email is free and I reckon I can do this in 10 days by bringing back $1 fares. Even more luckily, Rob Fyfe is away overseas and hopefully won’t find out about this.

These will fly out the door because they flew out the door last month and the month before. But to cover my butt and protect myself from the wrath of Rob when he gets back I need your help to pump up the database numbers as well.

If you are reading this you should already be registered on grabaseat.co.nz, so get a couple of office mates or significant others to sign up for alerts as well then I should be sweet.

Tell them they can unregister at any time as my KPI didn’t actually say anything about keeping people registered, just that I had to get an extra 10,000 people.

If you guys help me out with this we should have the magic 10,000 in 10 days and once I have knocked off this KPI I’m going to take all the spare seats I can and fill up some planes with $1 fares. Promise.

No doubt there will be some unhappy people around here after this, but seeing as they didn’t set “make people around here happy” as a key performance indicator I can’t see how that’s my problem.

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