In the spirit of past heretics, ranters and agitators, our resident angry outsider Claxton tells you what’s getting his goat about this industry.
I was innocently ingesting a Fresh ‘n Fruity yoghurt when suddenly my mild enjoyment curdled into acrid tasting anger as I glanced at the back of the pack. It said: “When fresh low fat yoghurt meets the taste of dreamy vanilla and roasted hazelnuts things get really interesting.” So what you are telling me is: this is a vanilla and hazelnut yoghurt, and I am supposed to believe that this makes ‘things’ “really interesting”. I can barely imagine how pointless the existence of the agency inmate who created this must be if they actually believed this, or for one moment felt anybody else would.
Dairy produce marketers appear to be the worst offenders at this hysterical overselling. Witness, Anchor cream: “Whip me, pour me, swirl me. With a dollop, a dash, a swirl. Live in the now. Excite the senses. Pure joy!” It is cow juice in this container, right? Not a full body Tantric orgasm and instant enlightenment? Or did I miss something in the nutritional information?
Where will this hyperbolic arms race end? For the record, when I buy dairy, I want something quite pleasant, filling and a little bit slimy to put in my mouth. I am not planning to set up an entirely new personality based on it. I have almost no intention of changing my legal name to Milky Milky Cow Cow and living ‘in the now’ by wallowing in rancid butter all afternoon.
You guys have long-life, I have a life. Let’s keep things sane and do the deal on that basis.