Politics is generally a pretty serious realm and this has been a pretty serious election. Dirty Politics. Moments of Truth. Colin Craig’s face. But over the years, parties like McGillicuddy Serious (best policies: mandatory homosexuality for 33 percent of the population and setting up a Frivolous Fraud Office to investigate any fraud deemed too silly for the Serious Fraud Office) and the Bill and Ben Party (best policy: “no policies, no promises, no disappointment”) have tried to see the funny side. Ben Uffindell, founder of satirical website The Civilian, added his name to that list for this election and, to the chagrin of many, The Civilian Party was given around $30,000 to spend on election advertising, which it’s used some of on a TV ad to promote its desire to declare independence from Hamilton.
You may be wondering why there’s a pineapple on the side of the chair. Well, that’s the party’s deputy leader, Golden Mayan Sweet Pineapple Product of the Philippines.
As it says on the website:
Golden Mayan Sweet Pineapple Product of the Philippines is, as his name suggests, a pineapple, and, if we are elected to Parliament in September, will be the first pineapple MP in our nation’s history. Indeed, it is the first pineapple candidate in our nation’s history. That it has taken us until 2014 to get to this point is a shameful reflection of our past.
Golden Mayan Sweet Pineapple Product of the Philippines is both well-equipped and well-ready to take up this responsibility, as well as being free of any other pursuits that could threaten his commitment to the task at hand. We believe that this is only the beginning of what will almost certainly be a long and storied career; for unlike most politicians, who harden as their years go on, the lady at the supermarket assured us that Golden Mayan Sweet Pineapple Product of the Philippines will soften over time, which we hope will make him ever-more sympathetic to the struggles of everyday New Zealanders.
What other potential Deputy Prime Minister could we eat in a time of crisis? The answer is all of them, and it would pay to remember that.
It is important to note that, while Golden Mayan Sweet Pineapple Product of the Philippines is constitutionally the deputy leader of our party, he is not, under New Zealand law, eligible to stand for Parliament. This is a disgrace.
But let this not discourage you; a Civilian Government will ensure that these rules are amended, and that, in accordance with the Bill of Rights and the universal principles of social justice, Golden Mayan Sweet Pineapple Product of the Philippines is retroactively awarded his seat in Parliament, preferably at the expense of Damien O’Connor.
In addition to its Hamilton policy, it’s other policies are:
- Cease domestic mass surveillance on New Zealand citizens, primarily because we will be unable to understand or operate the infrastructure.
- Establish a space program, and become the first nation in Australasia to send a man to the moon; not to explore it, just someone we don’t like.
- Reform the tax system so that it rewards success and punishes failure. Ensure that the bulk of taxes are aimed at the greatest source of poverty in New Zealand: the poor.
- Remove the monarchy and become an independent banana republic.
- Close the pay gap between men and women by working to reduce men’s wages.
- Alleviate poverty amongst children by giving every poverty-stricken child a llama as a means to a basic income.
- End discrimination against social majorities. No more special services just for Maori; no more car parks just for disabled people; no more hip operations just for people who need hip operations.
- Relegalise illegal legal highs. The recent government crackdown on these products was overzealous, and there is no reason that perfectly legal substances should be illegal.
- Make Wellington airport safer by moving it to Christchurch.
- Defend the traditional institution of marriage as the union between one man and one volumetric flask.
- Reform the Justice system so that every citizen is required to prove why they shouldn’t be in prison.
- Issue a formal apology to Australia’s aboriginal population.
- Maintain New Zealand’s long-term commitment to free nuclear energy.
- Seek to acquire new government assets, such as Bonus Bonds and a timeshare, and be proactive in exploring new economic opportunities, including some advertisements that suggest we could make $5,000 a week online.
- Ice cream.
- Lower greenhouse gas emissions by placing restrictions on the number of greenhouses, and greater obligations upon trees to absorb carbon dioxide.
- Bring ultra-fast broadband access to the majority of rural New Zealand by 2016 and dial-up to Invercargill by 2017.
- Hold on a national referendum on the value of referenda.
- Replace New Zealand’s national anthem with the theme song from the 1996 film Space Jam, by Quad City DJs. A Maori version of Space Jam shall be composed to be sung alongside the English version.
- Ban all “satire” or anything claiming to be “satire.” It has been given a chance, but too often has it proven to be offensive and difficult to grasp. No one should be made to feel upset or challenged for the sake of “jokes” and “laughter.”