Like many New Zealanders gagging for a long-awaited Rugby World Cup victory, the news that Dan Carter was out of the tournament with a groin injury that obviously came about because it was poisoned by the South Africans ripped our knickers and left a gaping void in our now husk-like hearts. As a very valuable marketing property, many of the brands he endorses, such as Jockey (maybe he should’ve been kicking commando, a la Andre Agassi?), Daikin and Philips, will also be devastated. Before the injury, seeing him on TV or half-nude on a massive billboard was a reminder that our hero was here to vanquish the enemies. Now they only serve to remind us of what we have lost and could forever be linked to pain and suffering. So, for the nation’s good, we propose taking the Stalinest approach and changing history by modifying all marketing campaigns featuring our man Dan. To start the ball rolling—and in honour of the tweet that said “serves him right for being a heatpump”—here’s what we think his ideal replacement would look like in the role. Interestingly, Piri doesn’t look quite as creepy.
