Those working in the persuasive arts often get a rough time from ‘normal people’, who are quick to trivialise the work of this industry and regularly call into question its ethics. But, as this glorious piece from McSweeneys entitled ‘I should get the first lifeboat because I’m in advertising’ points out, it’s time those tireless creative souls were acknowledged for their massive contribution to society.
As Brian Cullen writes in the Short Imagined Monologues section:
Listen, let me educate you people. Any of you assholes ever heard of the “KIA Soul”? Dancing hamsters ring a bell? I brought the funky fresh flavors of hip hop together with the magic of CGI hamsters. And what did you get in return? Oh, I don’t know. A commercial that lives in your hearts and minds forever, free of charge. That’s the kind of genius you’re trying to throw away right here.
You’re welcome, by the way. I know at least a few of you shared that on Facebook. I know it’s true. I’ve seen the metrics.
Meanwhile, what have all you done? You, Doctor Fucknuts, what’s your story? Lead heart surgeon at St. Jude’s Children’s Hospital? Boo fucking hoo. What’s your Klout score? Don’t bother answering that. I’m a 67. That’s in the top 5% of all users. That alone should buy me a seat on the lifeboat. I’d be surprised if you broke a 2. I don’t even want to know if a score that low is possible.
I’m a Clio award nominee, goddammit!
Has anyone here ever heard of the Chevy Verde? Of course you haven’t. We aren’t releasing the ads until Q3. You wanna know what you’ll be missing out on? Breakdancing babies. You like that? Yeah? How about this—we’re getting Ice-T and Tone Loc to voice them. We even have a cat as the DJ. You leave me here to sink and that’s an ad you’ll never see. Is that a world you want to live in? Is it??
I have fist-bumped Cuba Gooding Jr. It was my idea for the Golden Retriever from the Arby’s ad to say “Whatchu talkin’ bout Willis?” I’m responsible for getting the Beatles to allow “Blackbird” to be used in a commercial for Raisin Bran Crunch. Laura Bush told Katie Couric that the Kyocera commercial where Eugene Levy raps with LL Cool J was her favorite commercial of Super Bowl XLII. That was my idea. Mine! You think Eugene Levy comes cheap? No! He works for me! ME!
I live, breathe, and eat synergy! I am synergy!
And as everyone knows, if you want to leverage synergies, first you must open your kimono and become those synergies.