Twas the night before the night before Christmas, and Rudolph is hungover in the corner. Mrs Claus gives a bourbon-fuelled rant about how her life with Santa is no fairy tale. She stumbles off stage, but not before threatening Rudolph with a shit-stained dildo. Thus ending the opening scene of Mega Christmas, playing at the Basement Theatre in Auckland this week.
Mega Christmas, written by Nic Sampson (who plays the crack addict Rudolph) and Barnaby Fredrick, sees a merry gang of North Pole-types searching for the missing Santa. Along the way they fall into adventure, and learn a little bit more about themselves.
Alleged pirate, extravagant millionaire, and renowned master of PR, Kim Dotcom made an appearance at last night - playing the role of Santa Dotcom.
Many have approached Dotcom to appear at their events since his arrest in January on copyright charges, but apart from the odd chinwag with John Campbell, he's been reluctant to leave the familiarity of his Xbox and Call of Duty games.
It seems renovating the Basement's foyer was a cause that truly resonated with Dotcom, as proceeds from the show will go towards a make over of the venerable theatre.
Dotcom's role as Santa is limited to a pre-recorded video towards the end of the night, last night's appearance his last. This St Nick isn't what you're used to, with Dotcom adding his own technology-skew to jolly Kris Kringle.
"I'm setting up a new fibre optic Christmas mega network that spans the globe. We will be able to download 5000 teddy bears a second," says Dotcom's Santa.
Joining Dotcom is Shortland Streeter Kimberly Crossman as Chontelle the hottest girl in the north pole, and Oliver Driver as Mr Exposition, the narrator. A rotating cast of New Zealand actors, celebrities, and public figures will appear for the remaining shows.
The show itself is a crass blend between classic Kiwi comedy (with plenty of references about Ponsonby) and a pun-heavy university Christmas revue. There is a (bi)polar bear, surfy Jesus, and even Shane Cortez in blackface as Joseph Kony.
The show is a barrel of laughs, and features plenty of awkward audience participation. At one point in the night I was bagged as evidence by Rudolph.
Most of the humour is at the expense of those suffering with bipolar disease and substance abuse issues, but the two little old ladies I was sitting with seemed to be ok with that.
I give Mega Christmas three thumbs up, and a partridge in a pear tree.